So the other day Lacey and I were chatting. She is having a rough time with a certain person of the male gender. I notice that things she talks about parallel my relationship with a certain friend of mine who will remain nameless lest he/she should read this. Not that it's bad in any sense. Some of you may figure out to whom I am referring. And if that happens, please don't mention names. And please don't ask because I won't say. :]
Lacey sent me this quote from a book called "Ender's Game" (which I have yet to read) that to her sums up the relationship she has with this boy. And upon reading it I have discovered how exactly it describes my relationship with the person I am thinking of.
"I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves."
To many, my friend at times seems conceited or annoying. He (so I don't have to keep saying "they" or "he/she") is sometimes really sarcastic and biting, even condescending. But as I've gotten to know this person, I know that these actions are not intentional. It's simply in his nature and often he doesn't know that he is doing it. I have spent countless hours with this friend and I truly do love him. Sometimes people talk about how rude he can come across, and it hurts me to hear it. I see what other people are saying but to me, he is a completely different person. Around me he is someone that few others see. I don't know why this is. And when I try to explain it, nobody understands because they just don't know him the way I do. But because I've had this experience, I have learned to love him as he loves himself and for this I can never truly be mad at him or fall into the line of thinking others may have. To me he is amazing and he has grown to be one of the best friends I have had in my entire life.
It's probably really obvious who this person is, so to this person: if you ever read this, I love you and I hope you know that I think highly of you. And that will never change.
Life is so bittersweet. It is so confusing. It is so demanding. Isn't it weird how "life" itself is not a tangible thing but it has so much control? It forces itself upon us whether we want it or not. And to those who are willing to learn, it teaches the most valuable lessons we can ever learn. Right now it is teaching me patience. Or maybe a more accurate description is that it is trying to teach me patience. I don't know how well I am learning it. At this point in time, I am in the midst of so many twists and turns. I am fine with the majority of possible outcomes, but I want to know RIGHT NOW what will happen. This is where I'm being forced to learn patience. And I am sure that the Lord has His reasons as to why I can't know these things RIGHT NOW.
About my last post. I am sorry for being/sounding so bitter. It was wrong of me and though I have supposed "excuses" I will not use any of them because really, they don't matter. I have talked to several people in person who told me I was not wrong feeling these emotions and in fact a few of them were more upset than I was. (By the way thanks to everyone who commented. :] ) But why have I decided I was wrong?
Today was a really good day. I've been slacking on my scripture study this week and so church and the fireside I went to tonight were literally a spiritual feast. You know that great feeling you get when you are parched and you finally drink a big glass of cold water, or how you feel when you eat dinner on Fast Sunday? That's how my spirit felt today. Sometimes I feel sorry for my spirit because I don't take as much care of it as I need to. Does that sound weird? I have improving to do.
Anyways. This all does relate to why I have decided I was wrong feeling bitter and deciding I would still be there if they needed me but wasn't going to actively pursue anything. The fireside tonight was the last fireside my stake presidency will ever give. They are being released this next stake conference, which is November 8th. They have been absolutely amazing. Anyway, it was a youth fireside but my relief society president was asked to sing a musical number and I accompanied her on the piano. And I'm glad I went.
The fireside was on the destroying effects of pornography and sexual impurity. I think this issue is more prevelant than we realize. This was the very, very last thing my stake presidency chose to speak about. Of course it's important. I can guarantee you that people you know struggle with this. People who you think lead completely righteous lives. I know this because there have been people close to me in my life who have struggled with these things but nobody knew better. On the outside they looked fine. On the inside they were dying.
I think the Lord has blessed me with compassion, and for this I am grateful. I do my fair share of judging, which I know isn't good. But when it comes to people's sins, I see that it is not my place to jump to conclusions. When I hear people say things like, "Can you believe that so-and-so did this? That is so wrong, what were they thinking?" I can only think, "How dare you judge them like that?" (which thought in and of itself I suppose is a form of judging..oops.) There is no way we should be judging people. We do not know their circumstances. Granted, no circumstances justify committing sin, but there are things that weaken you and sometimes you lose control over these things. I feel so grateful that I have had numerous friends confide in me because they knew I wouldn't judge them for what they've done. I'm not trying to sound conceited at all, if it comes across that way that is not how I mean it.
As our stake president was talking about the ball and chain that comes with pornography and other immorality, he read a letter from the son of a friend of his who had landed himself in prison as a result of a wandering life. At age 8, he learned from one of his babysitters that you can "hide" sin. At age 10, he started viewing pornography. At age 12, he was molested. Throughout his teen years he never had close girl friends because he sexualized everything and they saw this. He was ordained to the priesthood and participated in it unworthily as he lied through all of his interviews. He served a mission, still addicted to pornography. He said it was the worst 20 months of his life (he left early due to surgery). He came home and within 6 months I believe lost his chastity. His addiction was growing and he decided he needed to get married so he could have sex without breaking the law of God. So he was sealed in the temple, still addicted to porn. Things got worse and worse for him, one thing lead to another, and he ended up molesting his 13-year-old niece. His wife divorced him and he completely lost any custody and visitation rights he had to his daughters. He will probably never see them again. Needless to say he was ex-communicated. However, he is turning his life around. He recognizes the immense horrificness of what he did, and he fully understands that he deserves everything that has resulted.
Sorry, if you're still reading this you're probably wondering how this relates to the bitterness of my last post. So here it is: As I listened to the story of this man, I couldn't help but wonder how much his life would have changed if one person had reached out to him? Now I don't know that this never happened. But is it really possible for something of this magnitude to happen if the person has someone who they know truly cares about them, who will not judge them for their wrongs but rather will help them do what they need to to turn away?
And this is where I made the connection: How can I be so selfish as to put my own happiness above others'? Yeah, it's true that some people have taken advantage of my friendship and hurt me pretty badly. But it is absolutely not my place to refuse my love and help. The Savior died for me. He died for me knowing perfectly well how imperfect I am and how often I will disappoint Him. He died for me knowing that I am selfish. He died for me knowing that I will never in this life be able to love Him as much as He loves me (although I do want to!!). Knowing all of this, He literally made the ultimate sacrifice any man or woman can make--giving up their own life.
So if the Savior did this for me, even though I forget about Him sometimes or I don't stand as His witness as I should, how dare I even consider putting myself above others who hurt me in ways that don't come near comparing to how the Savior was hurt by others, by me? The way I see it now is this: I was put on this earth to love and to serve and to grow. And I cannot do this unless I continually forgive and forget. I cannot do this if I get "tired" of people walking on me and then decide I've had enough. The Savior taught that we are to "turn the other cheek." So I am going to try to put myself out there, literally as an instrument in the Lord's hands. I want to do His will. I want to be a person whose friendship and reliability is never questioned. And if that means being there for people who aren't always there for me, then so be it. I have no room to complain if I am trying to be like my Savior, who was "despised and rejected of men." (Isaiah 53:3-5) I don't think anyone despises me. So why am I complaining? I need to live my life not for myself but for the bettering of other people's lives. I need to live my life for my Savior.
This post definitely took a completely different direction than I thought it would and I apologize for its lengthiness. Anyways. Now I feel kind of weird and maybe too out there and open so I'm going to post this before I change my mind. Haha.
