In Between

I thought that the BYU semester started towards the end of January, like it did my freshman year. What a nasty shock it was to learn that it in fact starts January 5th, meaning I have to move almost a month earlier than I planned. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, I am terribly excited to go to BYU. But at the same time I'm dreading it. Leaving people. Worst. Thing. Ever. Leaving my family....Travis...Jorge...Matt, Randy, Celesta, Brianna S, Brianna B, Anamin, Kaela, Jordan, Frhonda, Linda, Brad, Stephen, Trevor, Clarice...SCRUFFY....everyone. Ugh. How am I going to do this!? I feel sick whenever I think about it. It sort of feels like my body is being torn in half. Or more like my lungs and my heart are being pried out of my chest. Did you know that I hate change? Because I do!! It is so hard for me to accept the fact that this last month is more than likely the last time my friendship will be the same with Travis and Jorge. Because they are both leaving on missions soon. And if I follow the popular Mormon trend, I'll be married by the time they get home. Then we can't be best friends anymore. And that thought breaks my heart. I will miss those boys so much. They have changed my world. I know I'll be so happy with my husband, but the fact that I don't have him now makes "losing" Travis and Jorge seem stupid and pointless and ridiculous. Ughhhh my heart!!!! I sound like an idiot.

Anyways. In between. So I am in between here and Utah it feels like. In a way I'm almost afraid to have fun down here and allow myself to grow closer to my friends during this last month. Because the closer you are to someone, the harder it is to leave them. But there is no way I am going to avoid letting this happen. It's silly to stop a perfectly wonderful friendship from progressing just because I'm afraid of hurting.

Then at the same time I just can't wait to get up to BYU to be with Lacey and my old roommates and my cousin Matthew and make new friends. Get a new start. Be whoever I want.

I just keep on writing and writing because I don't feel like I'm adequately expressing what I'm feeling! Haha. Okay so is this weird? I am paranoid about EVERYTHING. Mainly I am paranoid that someone will die when I'm in Utah. (Don't worry, I literally just knocked on wood.) My worst fear I think is losing someone when I'm away, be it a family member, a friend, or my Scruffy dog. I am so afraid of losing someone. At this point, I'm most afraid of my dog dying (he's 11 I think), or my grandma, or my mom, dad, or brother getting in a car wreck and stuff. I can't even write it!!! I think I am crazy worrying about this stufff. It's so cynical of me!!! That is what I don't like about the distance that this move will put between me and everyone I love down here. I hate it.

Another thing that hurts is this is the last month things will be the same with Travis (my brother) and I. Because he'll turn 19 in April 2011, while I'll probably still be at BYU. I guess I just mean that this is really the last month we have together-together before he leaves on his mission. And that makes me so sad. I wish we were closer. We are very close but I wish it was closer. I want to do more things with him. But it's hard for two reasons. 1: He is always playing computer games and usually doesn't prefer other things over this. Not in a rude way. He just likes playing the computer all the time (which I think is sad). 2: I'm a chicken. I'm afraid to tell him how much he means to me. I know that's lame, huh? I am not criticizing my parents in ANY way, he and I were just never really raised expressing our feelings to each other. I mean feelings as in love for each other. And so I guess you could say it makes it a little awkward. Whatevvv....I should just do it.

So pretty much this post was pretty pointless and probably extremely boring to anyone who read it...I just needed to get this all out. I feel like crying!!! Change is the worst! But at the same time it is so necessary!! Whyyy???? aahhh......