A moment

This whole Stephen deal has been going on for a long time. It started out with me denying any sort of feeling I was having that we're not right for each other. Then I stopped denying it but tried ignoring it, or not letting myself recognize it. Then I let it sink it. After that I kept getting so irritated with him and I'd just want to do it and get if over with. But whenever those thoughts and feelings came into my head I would combat it with feelings of "he's my best friend I can't" or "no I would miss him to much" or "we've been dating so long can I really do it?" or "I just don't feel up to destroying someone's life" (believe me, I think this is unfortunately how he will perceive it :[ ). But now I've finally reached the point that I don't exactly want to do it anymore but I know it's what I need to do and I am finally ready to trust my Savior. I know, I should have been able to do that a long time ago. But it's so hard to trust someone with somebody else who is important to you. I've always known that everything is okay with the Savior, I guess I just haven't experienced it so strongly yet. I am not looking forward to doing this at all. But I am trusting my Savior that He will take care of not only me but Stephen too. :[

Stephen and I are talking on Friday.
Thanks to all of you, soo so much, who have been helping me through this. I'm so grateful for all of you!

I have more interesting (to me) things to blog about but I have to get ready for work.

My Children's Storybook

Alrighty this blog is my children's story book because there will be more pictures than words.

Here are pictures from our girls/pajama/Mamma Mia night at Kaela's last week. For more pictures check out my facebook.

Celesta and her love.



Apparently he is Brianna's love too.



But, most importantly, he is my twin.

And here is the woman of the hour, lovely hostess/pregnant crazy lady, Kaela Beach.

Anamin and Celesta doing a duet.

Brianna and I being....yeah.

And all of us. A comment from Travis Birch about this picture: "For some reason this picture makes me want to laugh." (not exact words)

And here are some pictures from Brianna's birthday party at Native New Yorker Saturday night. (Yeah of course we didn't bust out the camera's until the birthday girl left.)

Clever Trever and Chancho (yes Anamin I know Chancho means pig. He told me to call him that because it would be funny....and I told Tito...and Tito told me that is what wives call their husbands....???!!!?!?!?)

Cholestra and Clever Trevor. This picture was accurately described by Jennifer Hale as those old happy/sad masks.

This is Jorge, a picture I stold from Tito.

Here is Anamin sitting on Pancho's lap. Travis and Brianna B. (Okay she's not really on his lap it just looks like it)

Clever Trevor, Chael, and Jennifer. (For those of you who don't know these people, Chael is really Mike but since everyone calls him by the first part of his name, I call him by the last part.)

And here are Pancho, I, and Tito. I taught Pancho and Tito what "creeper" means, and Tito is clearly demonstrating his new vocabulary.

This is another picture I stole from Tito but I had to post it because I love how hilariously stupid my face looks. hahahaha

Alright for those of you who read my blog who don't work at OSP, right now we have a bunch of foreign exchange students working with us right now. They're from Brazil and Chile. Pancho and Tito are from Chile. And we always speak in Spanish together!!! Mostly Tito and I. I speak in Spanish and he speaks in English. It is great for improvement! I will be so sad when they go home!!!! All of the exchange students are AWESOME!!!!! (Especially Tito and Pancho, and Andrews who is from Brazil.)

In other news concerning things that might interest you: No progress in the Stephen situation. Well there has actually been a lot of mental progress for me so I think I am getting closer to actually doing it. Not talking about it right now. No progress in the ASU vs BYU decision. My friend Ben who goes to ASU HATES it and that's saying something, trust me. No progress in the teaching major decision, I just really don't care anymore.

Other important news: I have rekindled my love for Muse. Well it never died. But I downloaded tons more of their songs. I love them and they make me want to float away ahhhh........

The end.

Life and Its Lifeyness :[

What is up with me not being able to make up my mind!?!?!?! I seriously wish I could just get through this part of my life!! Haha....I know that's terrible to say. But I just have no clue how ANYTHING is going to turn out.....

1. The Stephen thing. We are back to being "good" and I just don't know what to do. It's the same thing over and over...I feel that we need a break. I want a break. Then I don't want a break. I'm furious and then I completely swoon over him. What is this??? He is so awesome and I love him so much I just don't think it's marriage love. Yet I want it to be while simultaneously being glad that it's not. Agghh.

2. I don't want to be a teacher anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what the heck I want to do but I'll probably end up sticking with elementary ed since I'm almost half way through with college (weird)....I mean it's great, and I've had a blast going into Mrs. Garcia's class at my mom's school to help every Friday. But I do NOT want to do that all day every day!!!! I really want to do something with art. I know everyone says "Do what you love" or whatever but I have to be practical...being an "artist" in a stable economy is tough. Being an "artist" in an undependable and possibly failing economy is next to impossible if you want to survive. So yeah. There will likely always be a demand for teachers. I really really hope that after I work a few years, I will be able to quit and rely on the income of my husband. Everyone's perfect dream but I know now that I've said it out loud (or written it publicly) something bad or "inconvenient" will happen and I'll end up having to work for many many years.

3. I do NOT want to go to ASU. All of my life I have passionately hated ASU. It just feels so devilish. I know not all of it is bad (heck the Guthries are there!! There is SOME good in it!) but come on, one of the top party schools in the nation, a devil for the mascot, colors that remind me of hell, beer, beer, beer, and nakedness...not my thing. Plus the tuition cost. I cannot afford it and I don't want my parents to pay for that huge sum of money (BYU is WAAYY cheaper). We rode the new lightrail the other day as a family and it went through the ASU campus. When I looked at the buildings I literally felt sick and wanted to throw up thinking about that I'm planning to transfer there. And staying at a community college is out of the question. I want to go back to BYU. I just don't know if I can do it. Can I really leave my family again? And now that I've gotten really close to all my buddies at work can I leave them???? And can I leave Stephen?? Whether we are together or not? He's still my best friend. I just do not know what I am going to do.

This is definitely one of those times in life where I wish the answer would just be handed to me. The right answer that is the absolute best for me and for those I love. When I have to rely on myself to make big decisions like all of these I get the mental image of myself curled up into a ball crouched in a dark corner peaking through my fingers and probably crying. It's a good thing I have my Savior to help me. I have learned a LOT about him over the past month or two and the things I have come to realize are absolutely amazing. There is so much to Christ and His Atonement I can't even comprehend it. Jesus is my best friend and I don't know how to put into words how I feel about Him. Anyways I just hope I can rely on Him enough to help me make the decisions that I need to make and make them in ways that are in line with Heavenly Father's will. This is scary stuff for me :[ :[ :[ blaaahhhhhhhh