Terrible

I wish a job would fall into my lap. A job I could work in addition to Organ Stop, going to school full time, and the multiple service projects I will be starting soon. A job that would just rake in the dough (or at least make enough to get by...as in my parents not paying for anything for me anymore). Because THEN things would be financially okay for Stephen and I to get married. I just want to get married and have a family. I want to fix my life and just get back into shape. I want someone beside me who I know I will be with forever and I can call them the love of my life and my best friend. And I want that to be Stephen, RIGHT NOW!!!!!! I know I sound demanding and I'm sure I am. Here is the reasoning.

Tonight I said bye to Lacey and Becca, my two best friends in the world (aside from Stephen/family). They're going back up to BYU and I'm staying here. I don't want to make new friends here almost because I don't want anyone to replace them, especially Lacey. I know no one will be the same. I guess that's part of the problem, I'm worried that maybe I'll find a new friend who I can share all of the same oddities and quirks with that I share with Lacey, but I DON'T want that!!!!! Lacey is my best friend and has been since we were like 14 or 15! Wow!! But now that Lacey and Becca are leaving I just feel so ALONE....pointless...I don't know. I mean I have friends here...basically at work...but they're the kind of friends who you love to death but it would be really awkward to hang out with most of them outside of work one on one. Well not awkward, but really awkward initiating the hang-out. Haha. So there we go...the only person I have now is Stephen to hang out with. And of course family.
This has really re-emphasized the importance of eternal families to me. I can't be with Lacey and Becca forever, although I wish I could and hope that somehow we'll still get to see each other in heaven. But it just made me realize that I am craving to have someone who I won't lose like this. And that's why I want to get married so bad all of a sudden. I mean I've wanted to get married for a long time but even moreso now. I am just so sad right now and wish things would have somehow worked out perfectly.

Bye Lacey...bye Becca. You guys mean more to me than you'll ever know. I know we'll still be in touch and still see each other but it won't be the same. This is the end of an era and I am really depressed about this. And almost jealous you guys still get to be together and Lacey with Lauren. Although I shouldn't be because I made the choice to stay home. It's just so hard and I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. All I want to do is cry and just have someone comfort me and make it all better. But if I cry tonight I'll wake up with a headache and puffy eyes for school in the morning. Not fun. I can't even say how I'm feeling. Just being torn up inside. So sad. Lonely....I'm going to cry i have to stop.