A moment

This whole Stephen deal has been going on for a long time. It started out with me denying any sort of feeling I was having that we're not right for each other. Then I stopped denying it but tried ignoring it, or not letting myself recognize it. Then I let it sink it. After that I kept getting so irritated with him and I'd just want to do it and get if over with. But whenever those thoughts and feelings came into my head I would combat it with feelings of "he's my best friend I can't" or "no I would miss him to much" or "we've been dating so long can I really do it?" or "I just don't feel up to destroying someone's life" (believe me, I think this is unfortunately how he will perceive it :[ ). But now I've finally reached the point that I don't exactly want to do it anymore but I know it's what I need to do and I am finally ready to trust my Savior. I know, I should have been able to do that a long time ago. But it's so hard to trust someone with somebody else who is important to you. I've always known that everything is okay with the Savior, I guess I just haven't experienced it so strongly yet. I am not looking forward to doing this at all. But I am trusting my Savior that He will take care of not only me but Stephen too. :[

Stephen and I are talking on Friday.
Thanks to all of you, soo so much, who have been helping me through this. I'm so grateful for all of you!

I have more interesting (to me) things to blog about but I have to get ready for work.

My Children's Storybook

Alrighty this blog is my children's story book because there will be more pictures than words.

Here are pictures from our girls/pajama/Mamma Mia night at Kaela's last week. For more pictures check out my facebook.

Celesta and her love.



Apparently he is Brianna's love too.



But, most importantly, he is my twin.

And here is the woman of the hour, lovely hostess/pregnant crazy lady, Kaela Beach.

Anamin and Celesta doing a duet.

Brianna and I being....yeah.

And all of us. A comment from Travis Birch about this picture: "For some reason this picture makes me want to laugh." (not exact words)

And here are some pictures from Brianna's birthday party at Native New Yorker Saturday night. (Yeah of course we didn't bust out the camera's until the birthday girl left.)

Clever Trever and Chancho (yes Anamin I know Chancho means pig. He told me to call him that because it would be funny....and I told Tito...and Tito told me that is what wives call their husbands....???!!!?!?!?)

Cholestra and Clever Trevor. This picture was accurately described by Jennifer Hale as those old happy/sad masks.

This is Jorge, a picture I stold from Tito.

Here is Anamin sitting on Pancho's lap. Travis and Brianna B. (Okay she's not really on his lap it just looks like it)

Clever Trevor, Chael, and Jennifer. (For those of you who don't know these people, Chael is really Mike but since everyone calls him by the first part of his name, I call him by the last part.)

And here are Pancho, I, and Tito. I taught Pancho and Tito what "creeper" means, and Tito is clearly demonstrating his new vocabulary.

This is another picture I stole from Tito but I had to post it because I love how hilariously stupid my face looks. hahahaha

Alright for those of you who read my blog who don't work at OSP, right now we have a bunch of foreign exchange students working with us right now. They're from Brazil and Chile. Pancho and Tito are from Chile. And we always speak in Spanish together!!! Mostly Tito and I. I speak in Spanish and he speaks in English. It is great for improvement! I will be so sad when they go home!!!! All of the exchange students are AWESOME!!!!! (Especially Tito and Pancho, and Andrews who is from Brazil.)

In other news concerning things that might interest you: No progress in the Stephen situation. Well there has actually been a lot of mental progress for me so I think I am getting closer to actually doing it. Not talking about it right now. No progress in the ASU vs BYU decision. My friend Ben who goes to ASU HATES it and that's saying something, trust me. No progress in the teaching major decision, I just really don't care anymore.

Other important news: I have rekindled my love for Muse. Well it never died. But I downloaded tons more of their songs. I love them and they make me want to float away ahhhh........

The end.

Life and Its Lifeyness :[

What is up with me not being able to make up my mind!?!?!?! I seriously wish I could just get through this part of my life!! Haha....I know that's terrible to say. But I just have no clue how ANYTHING is going to turn out.....

1. The Stephen thing. We are back to being "good" and I just don't know what to do. It's the same thing over and over...I feel that we need a break. I want a break. Then I don't want a break. I'm furious and then I completely swoon over him. What is this??? He is so awesome and I love him so much I just don't think it's marriage love. Yet I want it to be while simultaneously being glad that it's not. Agghh.

2. I don't want to be a teacher anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what the heck I want to do but I'll probably end up sticking with elementary ed since I'm almost half way through with college (weird)....I mean it's great, and I've had a blast going into Mrs. Garcia's class at my mom's school to help every Friday. But I do NOT want to do that all day every day!!!! I really want to do something with art. I know everyone says "Do what you love" or whatever but I have to be practical...being an "artist" in a stable economy is tough. Being an "artist" in an undependable and possibly failing economy is next to impossible if you want to survive. So yeah. There will likely always be a demand for teachers. I really really hope that after I work a few years, I will be able to quit and rely on the income of my husband. Everyone's perfect dream but I know now that I've said it out loud (or written it publicly) something bad or "inconvenient" will happen and I'll end up having to work for many many years.

3. I do NOT want to go to ASU. All of my life I have passionately hated ASU. It just feels so devilish. I know not all of it is bad (heck the Guthries are there!! There is SOME good in it!) but come on, one of the top party schools in the nation, a devil for the mascot, colors that remind me of hell, beer, beer, beer, and nakedness...not my thing. Plus the tuition cost. I cannot afford it and I don't want my parents to pay for that huge sum of money (BYU is WAAYY cheaper). We rode the new lightrail the other day as a family and it went through the ASU campus. When I looked at the buildings I literally felt sick and wanted to throw up thinking about that I'm planning to transfer there. And staying at a community college is out of the question. I want to go back to BYU. I just don't know if I can do it. Can I really leave my family again? And now that I've gotten really close to all my buddies at work can I leave them???? And can I leave Stephen?? Whether we are together or not? He's still my best friend. I just do not know what I am going to do.

This is definitely one of those times in life where I wish the answer would just be handed to me. The right answer that is the absolute best for me and for those I love. When I have to rely on myself to make big decisions like all of these I get the mental image of myself curled up into a ball crouched in a dark corner peaking through my fingers and probably crying. It's a good thing I have my Savior to help me. I have learned a LOT about him over the past month or two and the things I have come to realize are absolutely amazing. There is so much to Christ and His Atonement I can't even comprehend it. Jesus is my best friend and I don't know how to put into words how I feel about Him. Anyways I just hope I can rely on Him enough to help me make the decisions that I need to make and make them in ways that are in line with Heavenly Father's will. This is scary stuff for me :[ :[ :[ blaaahhhhhhhh

A Realization

I thought I would love blogging. Well, I don't. I find uploading the pictures very annoying, the whole process--arranging them, the fact that if you want them to be clickable in your blog to view them larger you have to upload them before you start writing your blog, and the fact that if you add a new picture in the middle of your blog it messes up all the spacing between paragraphes. Also, I have no motivation to blog because mostly everything that happens in my life worth blogging about happens with most of the people who read my blog so it's nothing new to them.

Jorge got baptized yesterday and it was excellent. The pictures and the movie of the musical number are on facebook.

Thank you.

Love the rain.

Okay so it's been quite a while since I blogged. Every time I think about blogging I get all blah because there's a lot to blog about but at the same time I just don't care. Haha.

To start off, my friend Mitch and I went to the Aquabats/Suburban Legends concert on Saturday. We met up with Travis and some of his friends then. And I must say...it was AMAZING. WAAYYY better than the last Aquabats concert I went to. Suburban Legends are seriously amazing live. I screamed and jumped so much I was SO worn out by the end. One of the opening bands was called Dusty Rhodes and the River Band...I wish I had taken pictures of them. They were awesome...a really weird mixture of alternative, country, and soul in a strangely appealing way. Oh my goodness.....one of the guitarists was super super cute...and as Travis pointed out...the lead singer was practically Jack Black with red hair. It was hilarious. They had they typical rock band instruments plus violin, banjo, harmonica, and accordian. I can't get over it I want to go back and live that night again.





Below: Suburban Legends








Below: Aquabats

Then here are a few pictures from the last few days. Celesta and I+Anamin's hand prints.

Brianna and I yelling in our Asian language (which is actually called Libri Hochimama w/ silent h) Libri [LIsaBRIanna] oh-chi-mama.

A picture Jorge took of me and my baby in Walmart when he, Celesta, and I went at like midnight.

This is a picture of all of us (minus Jordan, Chase, and Brianna B [and Elder Easdon--taking picture]) who went to the temple to watch the Joseph Smith movie with Jorge.

I stole this next picture from Anamin. I had to post it though because I LOVE Scottie's face in this pic. Hih-LARious.

And here is a picture I took after the movie. I loved the sky.

I've been to the temple a lot in the past few weeks...First to see the Christmas lights with Jordan, Chase, Celesta, Brianna, and Anamin, then to watch the JS movie with Jorge and the gang (although they were not showing it so we saw Luke 2), then to do grounds work with my parents Saturday morning, then to see the JS movie for real this past Sunday. Every time I go I just look at how beautiful the temple is and it reminds me of how much I want to go inside and be sealed to my husband forever there. I can't wait!! I wish it would just happen already!!! Haha...

This has especially been in my mind lately because I have felt really lonely. Anamin, Jorge, Travis and I used to hang out all the time. Well recently things have just been so weird with all of us. I don't even know how to explain it. The boys are just being so weird and impossible to understand. Especially Travis. Anyways so I've felt really lonely because we haven't hung out as much. I miss Lacey so much. She's in Utah and recently had her first kiss with a new boy!!! I wish I was there to be with her and meet him and experience this all firsthand! So yeah I've felt kind of alone because of this whole thing (Anamin I hope this does not make you feel bad--we talked about it tonight so I think you understand! haha) and then the whole Stephen thing.

While my parents and I were doing grounds work at the temple, for like an hour or so we talked about Stephen and I and I really knew that we need to take a break. Well it's like Satan knows I understand what has to happen so he's doing what he can to make it seem like we should stay together. Wow not saying that staying with Stephen is of Satan, not at all. But you know what I mean. But like this past week Stephen and I have been together a lot and he's actually been paying a lot of attention to me and it's like how things used to be and it's been a lot of comfort through this loneliness...and he is seriously my best friend! So how the heck can I go through with this!?!?!? I can't talk to him about my dilemma about whether to talk to him or not because, well it's him! haha....I just feel so lost and alone and that's why I really wish I could just figure out what I'm doing and find the right guy and get married to him. Then I'll be sealed to my best friend forever and I won't have to be lonely anymore. Blah.

Anyways....finals are almost over I am SOOO happy. I am exhausted right now because of all the recent late nights, plus I'm sick. I need to get to bed....Fare thee well.

The end.

While I chat with Ben...

I was about to head to bed then my friend Ben messaged me on Facebook. I haven't talked to him for a while so I'm talking to him for a few minutes right now. I figured while I'm on I'll post the pics that go along with my last blog.


Waiting for Jorge to get to Travis' house.


At Wendy's...Anamin crawled into this little hidden box between the booths. Another customer yelled at us, it was quite hilarious. I remembered what it was like to be in high school. I miss having an excuse to be immature like this all the time haha.


At Wendy's still. (Okay Linda I can see, from this picture, why people might think Travis and I are dating, which, for the record, we are not). That little parentheses part had a lot of commas...

This is at Fry's. Jorge and I found some lovely elephants.

This is the monkey Jorge bought Celesta for her birthday.

This is when we were making the dinner for Kaela and Derek. Jorge loved it so much he ate every crumb out of the bowl. Haha.

And this is a random one of me with Travis' aviators. They are ginormous. And my little monster named George whose face ripped.

Most of you have probably seen these pics on facebook by now. Also these are Anamin's pics. I ordered a new camera! But it's not here yet. I have more to blog about but I think I'm about to end my conversation with Ben. And I am exhausted.

The end.

My Dream+Randomness

Okay. So this was the totally random dream I had the other night. (Brittain and Holly!) I should have blogged about it earlier because I forget a lot of it now.

I dreamed that all of a sudden like 4 or 5 guys burst in through my front door dressed in ninja-like outfits and they were robbers, possibly murders. It was one of those things where no matter how hard I tried to scream to my dad, my lungs wouldn't work. Finally I yelled. Actually it was more like just a loud talk. Anyways I called Stephen (my boyfriend) on the phone (not sure how I had time to do that when I was trying to avoid death) and he came over. Together we beat up those punks (yeah!! I beat the crap out of them!!) and we tied them up or duct taped them or something. Then guys started coming in from the back door and I don't think we actually fought them. They were just runing around. I hid in the backyard and called 911, but they took FOREVER to get to my house!! Like 45 min! I had to call 3 times!!! Anyways they finally came but we had already taken care of all the bad guys, their help was useless now. But I think they took them away. The end.

Sorry I wish I could remember more details, it would be much more interesting that way. I feel like I'm leaving out key elements lol.

I am crocheting Travis an awesome scarf for Christmas and I am so jealous of it. It sucks that he has such good taste in colors because now I want to keep it for myself. Yesterday (Monday) we went to JoAnn's so he could pick out the colors (and somehow this meant he had to rub everything he picked up all over my head, messing up my hair every time). Here's a pic of what it looks like so far.

I am so glad that tomorrow (technically today) is the last day of school before the lovely long weekend and Thanksgiving!!!! I am very excited for Thanksgiving. I haven't seen my dad's side of the family very much at all since I've been home so I'm looking forward to hanging out with them. I wish Jeff was still here :[ I miss him. (Jeff is my cousin...he died last year in a quad accident.)

Good news!! Lots of places are having sales on cameras!!! The future is bright for me!! :D I will hopefully be purchasing a new camera tomorrow, and if not then, Saturday. More good news: Plane tickets to Salt Lake are only about $70!!! Christmas present for me! If all goes smoothly, I am going to fly up there in March to visit my roommies who I miss so very much. I would put up a few pics of them here but that would involve me staying up for another half hour selecting pictures. Yeah.

Oh yes. Satuday night, Anamin, Travis (my brother) and I went to Travis (Birch)'s concert!! His band is called Mass Distraction and they played with another band from Mesa High called Bomber F. It turns out I went EFY with the lead guy from Bomber F. Anyways it was really good! They played in this girl's drained pool. They covered a couple of songs by The Aquabats and Suburban Legends. I'll have to post the movies. Check and see if I have them posted, I haven't yet decided if I'll do it tonight or not. Also, Travis did a little solo thing!!! He played "Drunk Girl" by Something Corporate. He was so cute and he did such a good job! He was really nervous but you couldn't tell at all. I apologize for the terrible quality of sound/picture in the movies...they sounded way better live than on video hahaha.

Okay the end.