In Between

I thought that the BYU semester started towards the end of January, like it did my freshman year. What a nasty shock it was to learn that it in fact starts January 5th, meaning I have to move almost a month earlier than I planned. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, I am terribly excited to go to BYU. But at the same time I'm dreading it. Leaving people. Worst. Thing. Ever. Leaving my family....Travis...Jorge...Matt, Randy, Celesta, Brianna S, Brianna B, Anamin, Kaela, Jordan, Frhonda, Linda, Brad, Stephen, Trevor, Clarice...SCRUFFY....everyone. Ugh. How am I going to do this!? I feel sick whenever I think about it. It sort of feels like my body is being torn in half. Or more like my lungs and my heart are being pried out of my chest. Did you know that I hate change? Because I do!! It is so hard for me to accept the fact that this last month is more than likely the last time my friendship will be the same with Travis and Jorge. Because they are both leaving on missions soon. And if I follow the popular Mormon trend, I'll be married by the time they get home. Then we can't be best friends anymore. And that thought breaks my heart. I will miss those boys so much. They have changed my world. I know I'll be so happy with my husband, but the fact that I don't have him now makes "losing" Travis and Jorge seem stupid and pointless and ridiculous. Ughhhh my heart!!!! I sound like an idiot.

Anyways. In between. So I am in between here and Utah it feels like. In a way I'm almost afraid to have fun down here and allow myself to grow closer to my friends during this last month. Because the closer you are to someone, the harder it is to leave them. But there is no way I am going to avoid letting this happen. It's silly to stop a perfectly wonderful friendship from progressing just because I'm afraid of hurting.

Then at the same time I just can't wait to get up to BYU to be with Lacey and my old roommates and my cousin Matthew and make new friends. Get a new start. Be whoever I want.

I just keep on writing and writing because I don't feel like I'm adequately expressing what I'm feeling! Haha. Okay so is this weird? I am paranoid about EVERYTHING. Mainly I am paranoid that someone will die when I'm in Utah. (Don't worry, I literally just knocked on wood.) My worst fear I think is losing someone when I'm away, be it a family member, a friend, or my Scruffy dog. I am so afraid of losing someone. At this point, I'm most afraid of my dog dying (he's 11 I think), or my grandma, or my mom, dad, or brother getting in a car wreck and stuff. I can't even write it!!! I think I am crazy worrying about this stufff. It's so cynical of me!!! That is what I don't like about the distance that this move will put between me and everyone I love down here. I hate it.

Another thing that hurts is this is the last month things will be the same with Travis (my brother) and I. Because he'll turn 19 in April 2011, while I'll probably still be at BYU. I guess I just mean that this is really the last month we have together-together before he leaves on his mission. And that makes me so sad. I wish we were closer. We are very close but I wish it was closer. I want to do more things with him. But it's hard for two reasons. 1: He is always playing computer games and usually doesn't prefer other things over this. Not in a rude way. He just likes playing the computer all the time (which I think is sad). 2: I'm a chicken. I'm afraid to tell him how much he means to me. I know that's lame, huh? I am not criticizing my parents in ANY way, he and I were just never really raised expressing our feelings to each other. I mean feelings as in love for each other. And so I guess you could say it makes it a little awkward. Whatevvv....I should just do it.

So pretty much this post was pretty pointless and probably extremely boring to anyone who read it...I just needed to get this all out. I feel like crying!!! Change is the worst! But at the same time it is so necessary!! Whyyy???? aahhh......

I Hope You Like My Face

Because you will see a lot of it in this post.

Right now I am taking a break from writing an essay that is due tomorrow. Distracting myself with the appropriate things....eating super healthy non-fattening ice cream (yeah right), playing with my webcam, listening to music that I love way too much to listen to while I write an essay because it would completely distract me, writing a post.

I am going to tell you all a story. It is called "The Many Emotions of Lisa When It Comes to Her Sociology Class and All That It Requires."

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Lisa. She was in college. She had a sociology class. The teacher required many essays of the students. Lisa didn't have too much of a problem with this because the essays didn't require much research; much of it was simply opinion. However, one week Lisa had an essay due two consecutive class periods. This is how she felt:


However, Lisa didn't really care. She generally got good scores on her essays, mainly because she was pretty good at reading her teachers and figuring out what would please them in her writing. This resulted in her receiving 50 out of 50 points on the two previous essays. She quickly wrote the first essay that was due on Monday. Then she figured the next essay would be no big deal. Here is her "no big deal" face:

The second essay, which was due Wednesday, was only assigned to a portion of the class. At the beginning of the year, each student signed up to read one of four books. And the essay due on Wednesday was about the book Lisa was supposed to read, so only a small portion of the class had two essays due in a row. The previous week when Lisa went to the library to retrieve the book she was to read and write about, she discovered the book was nearly 400 pages. She also realized she had less than a week to read it and write about it. Here is her disgusted face:

Well, it was Halloween weekend. And Lisa had a cold over the weekend. Needless to say, she didn't work on the book essay. She figured that she would be fine with skimming through a few chapters and reading cliff notes and summaries of the book online, and just using her own knowledge to complete the essay. Monday she began searching for said information online. To her disappointment, she found zero, as in none, nothing, nada, zilch, goose egg, information. This is when she started freaking out because she basically had two days to read 400 pages, write a 5-6 page essay, and do homework for other classes. Here she is freaking out:

Monday afternoon Lisa read a little more than a chapter of the book. Then it was time for work. So she left and went to work, which was acceptable. When she got home, Lisa felt extremely tired due to the minimal sleep she had been allowing herself and the cold she was suffering. The thought of reading more of the book that night made her feel like this:

So Lisa decided it would be best to just go to bed at 11:30 and save all her freaking out for the next day. The eve of when the essay was due.

When Lisa awoke in the morning, she was in a surprisingly good mood. She went to school, carrying with her the essay requirements. During one of her classes she outlined what she could of the essay without having read the book. Not too bad. And then she realized the hilarity of the situation she had placed herself in. Read 350 pages and write a 5-6 page essay in one afternoon? Haha yeah right. But alas will this one essay make that much of a difference in the eternal scheme of things? Absolutely not. So here is Lisa laughing at how much she had been freaking out and at the mere fact that what she had to do was nearly impossible:

When Lisa got home from school Tuesday, instead of rushing right into figuring out her essay, she played the piano. After the piano, she promptly got on Facebook for a few minutes and read people's blogs. After this she started her essay. Just kidding. After Facebooking and Blog Stalking, Lisa read her scriptures. Mosiah 2. Yay. THEN Lisa started in on the essay. She just didn't really care. She no longer felt the need to freak out. She began writing what she could of the essay without having read the book. And to her ferocious happiness, it was not hard at all. She realized she could completely pull stuff out of her head, out of class, and off the internet (the book was about Hurricane Katrina and all of the racism, poverty, and government failure that contributed...and many articles have been written about this same thing) to write the majority of the essay. Then she could flip through the book, praying for luck, and find the additional information she needed. She realized she was not going to die. Here she is being happy:

After a mere 45 minutes or so, Lisa was about halfway done with the essay. Granted, she still had to find her luck and pull information out of the book. But she had allll afternoon and alllll evening. No biggie. No need to freak out. What relief. She had definitely prayed for relief and calmness and she got it. So here is Lisa's "Heavenly Father really has my back even when I make stupid mistakes and create these situations for myself/I really like this great music I am listening to while I'm taking a break/In 24 hours this will all be over/Life is good" face:

And so concludes "The Many Emotions of Lisa When It Comes to Her Sociology Class and All That It Requires." The end.

As Inspired by Lacey

So the other day Lacey and I were chatting. She is having a rough time with a certain person of the male gender. I notice that things she talks about parallel my relationship with a certain friend of mine who will remain nameless lest he/she should read this. Not that it's bad in any sense. Some of you may figure out to whom I am referring. And if that happens, please don't mention names. And please don't ask because I won't say. :]

Lacey sent me this quote from a book called "Ender's Game" (which I have yet to read) that to her sums up the relationship she has with this boy. And upon reading it I have discovered how exactly it describes my relationship with the person I am thinking of.

"I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves."

To many, my friend at times seems conceited or annoying. He (so I don't have to keep saying "they" or "he/she") is sometimes really sarcastic and biting, even condescending. But as I've gotten to know this person, I know that these actions are not intentional. It's simply in his nature and often he doesn't know that he is doing it. I have spent countless hours with this friend and I truly do love him. Sometimes people talk about how rude he can come across, and it hurts me to hear it. I see what other people are saying but to me, he is a completely different person. Around me he is someone that few others see. I don't know why this is. And when I try to explain it, nobody understands because they just don't know him the way I do. But because I've had this experience, I have learned to love him as he loves himself and for this I can never truly be mad at him or fall into the line of thinking others may have. To me he is amazing and he has grown to be one of the best friends I have had in my entire life.

It's probably really obvious who this person is, so to this person: if you ever read this, I love you and I hope you know that I think highly of you. And that will never change.

Life is so bittersweet. It is so confusing. It is so demanding. Isn't it weird how "life" itself is not a tangible thing but it has so much control? It forces itself upon us whether we want it or not. And to those who are willing to learn, it teaches the most valuable lessons we can ever learn. Right now it is teaching me patience. Or maybe a more accurate description is that it is trying to teach me patience. I don't know how well I am learning it. At this point in time, I am in the midst of so many twists and turns. I am fine with the majority of possible outcomes, but I want to know RIGHT NOW what will happen. This is where I'm being forced to learn patience. And I am sure that the Lord has His reasons as to why I can't know these things RIGHT NOW.

About my last post. I am sorry for being/sounding so bitter. It was wrong of me and though I have supposed "excuses" I will not use any of them because really, they don't matter. I have talked to several people in person who told me I was not wrong feeling these emotions and in fact a few of them were more upset than I was. (By the way thanks to everyone who commented. :] ) But why have I decided I was wrong?

Today was a really good day. I've been slacking on my scripture study this week and so church and the fireside I went to tonight were literally a spiritual feast. You know that great feeling you get when you are parched and you finally drink a big glass of cold water, or how you feel when you eat dinner on Fast Sunday? That's how my spirit felt today. Sometimes I feel sorry for my spirit because I don't take as much care of it as I need to. Does that sound weird? I have improving to do.

Anyways. This all does relate to why I have decided I was wrong feeling bitter and deciding I would still be there if they needed me but wasn't going to actively pursue anything. The fireside tonight was the last fireside my stake presidency will ever give. They are being released this next stake conference, which is November 8th. They have been absolutely amazing. Anyway, it was a youth fireside but my relief society president was asked to sing a musical number and I accompanied her on the piano. And I'm glad I went.

The fireside was on the destroying effects of pornography and sexual impurity. I think this issue is more prevelant than we realize. This was the very, very last thing my stake presidency chose to speak about. Of course it's important. I can guarantee you that people you know struggle with this. People who you think lead completely righteous lives. I know this because there have been people close to me in my life who have struggled with these things but nobody knew better. On the outside they looked fine. On the inside they were dying.

I think the Lord has blessed me with compassion, and for this I am grateful. I do my fair share of judging, which I know isn't good. But when it comes to people's sins, I see that it is not my place to jump to conclusions. When I hear people say things like, "Can you believe that so-and-so did this? That is so wrong, what were they thinking?" I can only think, "How dare you judge them like that?" (which thought in and of itself I suppose is a form of judging..oops.) There is no way we should be judging people. We do not know their circumstances. Granted, no circumstances justify committing sin, but there are things that weaken you and sometimes you lose control over these things. I feel so grateful that I have had numerous friends confide in me because they knew I wouldn't judge them for what they've done. I'm not trying to sound conceited at all, if it comes across that way that is not how I mean it.

As our stake president was talking about the ball and chain that comes with pornography and other immorality, he read a letter from the son of a friend of his who had landed himself in prison as a result of a wandering life. At age 8, he learned from one of his babysitters that you can "hide" sin. At age 10, he started viewing pornography. At age 12, he was molested. Throughout his teen years he never had close girl friends because he sexualized everything and they saw this. He was ordained to the priesthood and participated in it unworthily as he lied through all of his interviews. He served a mission, still addicted to pornography. He said it was the worst 20 months of his life (he left early due to surgery). He came home and within 6 months I believe lost his chastity. His addiction was growing and he decided he needed to get married so he could have sex without breaking the law of God. So he was sealed in the temple, still addicted to porn. Things got worse and worse for him, one thing lead to another, and he ended up molesting his 13-year-old niece. His wife divorced him and he completely lost any custody and visitation rights he had to his daughters. He will probably never see them again. Needless to say he was ex-communicated. However, he is turning his life around. He recognizes the immense horrificness of what he did, and he fully understands that he deserves everything that has resulted.

Sorry, if you're still reading this you're probably wondering how this relates to the bitterness of my last post. So here it is: As I listened to the story of this man, I couldn't help but wonder how much his life would have changed if one person had reached out to him? Now I don't know that this never happened. But is it really possible for something of this magnitude to happen if the person has someone who they know truly cares about them, who will not judge them for their wrongs but rather will help them do what they need to to turn away?

And this is where I made the connection: How can I be so selfish as to put my own happiness above others'? Yeah, it's true that some people have taken advantage of my friendship and hurt me pretty badly. But it is absolutely not my place to refuse my love and help. The Savior died for me. He died for me knowing perfectly well how imperfect I am and how often I will disappoint Him. He died for me knowing that I am selfish. He died for me knowing that I will never in this life be able to love Him as much as He loves me (although I do want to!!). Knowing all of this, He literally made the ultimate sacrifice any man or woman can make--giving up their own life.

So if the Savior did this for me, even though I forget about Him sometimes or I don't stand as His witness as I should, how dare I even consider putting myself above others who hurt me in ways that don't come near comparing to how the Savior was hurt by others, by me? The way I see it now is this: I was put on this earth to love and to serve and to grow. And I cannot do this unless I continually forgive and forget. I cannot do this if I get "tired" of people walking on me and then decide I've had enough. The Savior taught that we are to "turn the other cheek." So I am going to try to put myself out there, literally as an instrument in the Lord's hands. I want to do His will. I want to be a person whose friendship and reliability is never questioned. And if that means being there for people who aren't always there for me, then so be it. I have no room to complain if I am trying to be like my Savior, who was "despised and rejected of men." (Isaiah 53:3-5) I don't think anyone despises me. So why am I complaining? I need to live my life not for myself but for the bettering of other people's lives. I need to live my life for my Savior.

This post definitely took a completely different direction than I thought it would and I apologize for its lengthiness. Anyways. Now I feel kind of weird and maybe too out there and open so I'm going to post this before I change my mind. Haha.

This and That

Is it wrong of me to be annoyed with almost everyone in my life? I guess not almost everyone, just a lot of "the usuals" in my life. And no, I am not annoyed with anyone who reads this. At least who I know reads this. I am annoyed with a few people who I never thought I would ever be annoyed with. There are people who I am beginning to care about less because they don't give me the time of day when I would readily drop anything for them. Is that rude or conceited or bad of me? I don't know. I feel bad about it. It's just hard to care when people don't care back. And it makes me angry. It hurts me a lot. Should I just deal with it/try to fix it? Or move on? It's so hard to move on from people who used to mean the world to me. A lot of things have happened recently that have made the day I move to Provo seem too far away (PS I am officially accepted and going to BYU in January. OSP kids--please don't mention it to management yet...I think that would hurt my chances of getting any potential raises which they never give out haha). I am so sad yet excited to move. But these things that have been happening just shout to me that I need something new. I will miss a lot of things/people so much though. Especially my family. I need to spend more time with them. Any feedback on this paragraph is welcomed...haha.

Anamin, Brianna and I just got back from visiting Jordan in Flagstaff today. It was a great weekend. We ate, shopped downtown, watched a movie, slept, went on walks, and went to the lava caves. It was fun to just chill with the girls (plus Edwin for one night). :] And my car did not explode. Check out my Facebook for pictures.

And about the boy I mentioned in one of my previous posts. I only like him as a friend. I think the original new-cute-boy-potential-of-something-happening situation had me giddy. He's super cool though. A great friend. We'll see where it goes. I should set my blog to private. Haha.

Well I am super tired. The weekend was crazy and awesome but very tiring. And there is something exhausting about sitting for 4 hours. Driving. How does that work? I don't know but the trip home wore me out. So I'm going to bed. :]

Blind Lead the Blind by DRATRB

PS I also have a few of their other songs on my playlist.

Please Allow Me to Release My Emotions.

So I have this friend Randy. And there's this band I am in love with called Dusty Rhodes and The River Band.

Randy and I have this thing where we constantly discuss and exchange music. So I introduced him to Dusty Rhodes and he fell head-over-heels for them. I saw them last December in concert and they were absolutely amazing.

So Dusty Rhodes was coming to The Clubhouse this Wednesday. Randy and I were going. Can I just tell you this is literally the most excited I have been in like 3 months?? And it's all he could talk about too!!!

Well I went on Dusty Rhode's Facebook page a few minutes ago to post a comment about my excitement to see them. And here is what I saw:

"Santa Fe and Tempe shows CANCELLED!! We are so sorry for the miscommunication."

And so now this is also the most depressed I've been in like 3 months. I know I sound ridiculous and those of you who actually read my blog probably don't really care and this is fine. But I am so sad!! I literally almost cried when Randy called me after I texted him and told him it was cancelled haha. We have decided to drown our sorrows by watching The Office and eating mac&cheese.

I was so excited for Dusty Rhodes! This band is epic. Like when they perform, their music is inside your lungs and engulfs your whole being. I can't even describe it. Like it's a real physical sensation and you just want to melt away and become part of the music with them.

Okay I sound insane.

So here's to Dusty Rhodes and The River Band, who broke my heart tonight.

So Here's The Truth...

Life has been great!

Wait isn't that kind of how I started my last post? Haha. I guess this is just a good part of my life.

So there's this boy.

And school's been going well. Can I please just say that having a good attitude about school and not complaining about it whether you may or may not hate it really does make it so much EASIER?

I've made a new buddy named Alex. He's in a wheelchair and when I see him I push him to class. He's so cool!

I've lost a few pounds.

I got my split ends cut off.

I have discovered that I have an amazing ability to bs my way through 4-page essays in under an hour and get a good grade. Well actually I already knew that, but I have discovered that this skill has improved. So that's really helpful. :]

Conference is this weekend!

And music!! Here are some of my current interests:

Sunset Shoot--Here With You

The Format--Sore Thumb, Tie the Rope

Fun.--Be Calm, The Gambler, Walking the Dog

The Rocket Summer--All I Have, Brat Pack

One Hot Minute--My Kinda Town

The Jakes--Cough Syrup

Forever the Sickest Kids--The Way She Moves, Uh Huh, Phone Call

Just in case you were interested. And the list goes on.

Hope life is great for all of you as well!