Too much built up!!!

WARNING: I do not know what I am going to write in this blog but I think most of it will be negative and stupid, so I apologize in advance for my bad mood and my complaints and the negativity. I just can't take it anymore. I am sure I will have an "I feel so bad about this" paragraph at the end to try to make myself feel better about being a jerk towards someone I care about. Ugh.


Okay so I have come to recognize and admit the fact that I feel soooo bitter towards Stephen and Leah (his girlfriend). I suppose it's "natural" but I really have no real reason to be bitter about it..except that Stephen was kind of being a butt.


Actually. I have lots of reasons to be bitter. I shouldn't be bitter though, it's not the right thing to do. But I am!! Here is why I'm so bitter! Yes I'm going to list all of the reasons like a stupid junior high girl.


1. Like I said, Stephen was kind of rude about having a new girlfriend. I was texting him asking if he wanted to hang out (before I knew they were official) and here is what he said: "I didn't want to tell you this over text, but since you keep asking me, I can't hang out anymore because I'm dating someone." Jerk!!!!! It feels so good to call him a jerk! So rude of me I know. He made it sound like I was all annoying asking him to hang out. Well sorry for trying to be a good friend!


2. One of the biggest things that bugs me about him having a girlfriend now is that he was trying to be like all secretive about it or something. Please, like I wouldn't find out. Michelle told me before he did so yeah, good secret keeping. Honestly, I was over Stephen. Then we hung out one day and I missed him, because things were "normal." By normal I mean they were like the good times of our relationship and I had fun. Literally two hours after I told Travis and Jorge that I really missed Stephen, I found out about him and Leah. If I had found out the week before I would have been totally fine. Ugh my point is that if he had just mentioned it earlier, I would be fine right now.


3. The WHOLE time I was at BYU, all he could talk about was how much he missed me and how much he loved me and how much he wanted to marry me. I get home and things are perfect for a few weeks, a month tops. Then he gets sucked into his stupid computer games and starts ignoring me. So what was that??? He only loved me and cared about me when he couldn't have me there with him? Then when I was always there it wasn't important to show how he felt about me regularly?


4. While I am going through all of these bad (sorrow, anger, bitterness, loneliness, etc.) feelings, all I can think about are the great times Stephen and I had and how happy we were together. Which was for about half of the time we were dating. The other half of the time was miserable. Why can't I make myself remember the bad things???


5. My dad and Stephen were soooo close. Stephen called my dad "suegro" which means "father-in-law" in Spanish, and my dad called Stephen "cuñado" which is "son-in-law." My dad helped Stephen get his GED. My dad helped Stephen get into college. My dad helped Stephen get financial aid (which is a huge pain in the butt--included going through Stephen's parents secret tax info no one is supposed to know about other people, and yes, my dad has Stephen's social security number memorized because he helped him so much with this). My dad helped Stephen do his taxes. My dad bought so much food for Stephen. My dad added Stephen to our cell phone plan (which, by the way, he is still on). My dad (and brother) helped ordain Stephen to be a Priest. They got to be really good friends and it wasn't just because Stephen was dating me. Since we broke up Stephen has done pretty much nothing to thank my dad for everything he's done to help him turn his life around. He hasn't tried to maintain any aspect of that great friendship they had. Good.


6. My dad told me he feels pretty irritated towards Stephen too because of how much he's hurt me. (Okay, I am such a daddy's girl. When I moved to Utah, on the last night my parents were up there with me we were walking around the temple and all of a sudden my dad just stopped and LITERALLY started bawling. Like heaving sobs. I have never seen him cry so hard and I felt special that it was because he was going to miss me so much.) And there is one main thing that upsets my dad so much (which now upsets me too!): While I was up at BYU, Stephen pretty much lived at my house, like he literally turned my bedroom into his bedroom and my parents totally welcomed him, which is weird. Anyways, so he was always at my house and always with my dad. One day my dad was talking to him and he said, "Stephen, if there ever comes a point that for whatever reason, you feel like you and Lisa need to break up, don't drag it out. Don't be rude about it. Step up and do it like a man." Stephen replied, "Well, I don't ever see that happening...but if for some reason it ever does, yes, I will do it like a man." Meaning polite, considerate of my feelings, etc. Did he do it? No. He sat around my house playing his stupid computer games for like three months while I tried to build our relationship. And then I was the one who finally did the breaking up. Thanks for doing it like a man Stephen.


Now that I have listed most of the reasons I feel such resentment and even anger towards Stephen, I do feel bad. I feel like a bad friend and a bad person. Don't get me wrong...I still care about him and yes we are still friends. When we're together he is nice to me. And here I am saying all these mean things about him. Sometimes Stephen can be really oblivious and sometimes he just chooses not to see things. And I honestly can't figure out if he's oblivious to what he's done to me (and my family) or if he chooses not to see it. If he really is oblivious, then I take back everything I just said. Of course I still feel this way, but I wouldn't be as angry about it if he really had no clue and I'd find it more readily inside myself to forgive him and not be angry. But I don't see how it would be possible to miss. I just don't know.


It hurts a lot that Stephen was the closest person in the world to me and that he was literally the only person in my whole life I have felt comfortable talking to about ANYTHING, and vise versa. And after that, he is just able to toss it out the window. I mean I completely understand that things have to change between us if he (or I) dates someone new. But sometimes I feel like my friendship is a burden to him. That hurts.


Stephen is a great person and has good intentions. He just....ugh he just makes me feel like this!!!! So tied up inside. For those of you who know Stephen, you know he really is a nice person. Which is why it's so hard for me to deal with all of this, because I know that he truly is nice so how could I be mad at him? And to Linda and Rhonda, I am sorry if any of this offends you since he is your cousin. I think you understand what I mean though. As you guys care about him, I still care about him. He's just been a little careless and made me feel really bad and I feel like if I don't tell someone (or let someone read) I will cave in on myself. Anyways.


So while Stephen and I were dating, I did a lot of stuff with his YSA group. One thing we did a couple of times was go on fieldtrips with the deaf and hard of hearing kids from Sequoia. Well Stephen invited me** to go with them again, it's tomorrow. We're going to the zoo. Without really even thinking it through I said yes. Now that I am thinking it through I really don't want to go. Luckily Stephen's girlfriend will not be there so that awkward situation has been sidestepped. However. Zoo, Arizona, middle of May, hot. Really really hot!!! Not fun. There is this girl named Jill who used to be in Stephen's YSA group (she has since moved to a new stake) but we had a class together this semester so we've become friends. She was going to go, so I figured whether Stephen ignored me or hung out with me the whole time, I would have a buddy. But she texted me today and told me she has to work so she cannot go. Ughh :[ I am just dreading it because I am pretty sure that tomorrow will go one of two ways:


1. Stephen will drive me crazy the whole time, whether that involves ignoring me most of the time, annoying me, being loud and obnoxious like he sometimes is (especially when he's with Kevin [he's cool], who I'm sure is going, and they're talking about politics or guns), or whatever.


2. I will have a lot of fun. It will be like Stephen and I are best friends again. He will be super nice to me and I will be super nice to him. And then I will be depressed when I go home and will unwillingly miss him and his frienship/relationship/love even more.


**Stephen inviting me to go to this zoo thing: It was really weird, he actually went out of his way and stopped by my house to give me a flyer that had info on it instead of just texting me. And while he was here he was really really nice to me. Which is one great reason I feel bad about being so bitter and rude, because our last interaction was positive.


I don't know why this is so hard for me. Like I said before, I was over him. But everything changed in that one stupid little moment when I realized I had feelings for him again, however small. I just have to keep reminding myself that if I was given the opportunity to be his girlfriend again, I honestly would not want to. I do not want to marry him. If I don't want to marry him and I've already gotten over him once shouldn't this be easier??? I just want to be his friend, nothing more at all. So why do I have all these feelings?


Anyways. Now that I have made myself look like such a jerk, and now that I have made Stephen look like a jerk (even though he really is a great guy!!! please know that!! and don't judge him because of what I've said because I am sooo biased), I will end this terrible post. Stephen, if you ever read this, which I'm sure you will not, I am so sorry. I just couldn't keep it all in anymore and you hurt me so bad. You are still my friend and I know you are kind, things just were different between us. And I am sorry for that.


I have several more things I'd like to blog about but given that this is super super long already and that I need to get to bed since I have to be at Sequoia at 8 in the morning, I will not. I am sorry to any of you who may have read this whole ridiculously entire thing and who think I'm being immature or selfish or have lost respect for me. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.


One last thing: I miss Stephen's family. Especially his mom and his dad. And especially especially his grandma. I miss her a lot. :[