Dear World,

I am lacking motivation to blog. I guess I've got nothing too exciting to blog about.

I suppose I can post a few updates.

I'm home from BYU til mid-August, if I last that long. Thinking about going back up early. I'll have to see what works out.

I thought I'd get my job back at Organ Stop but alas, they are over-staffed right now as it is...so I've been jobless and that means poor.

My dear car, Rapscallion, breathed his last breath, vroomed his last vroom in Provo. My parents were deciding whether to fix the car (replace the transmission) or buy a new car for me then I'd give them monthly car payments. They decided that the latter would be more frugal. However, now they are saying it's way more expensive than they thought it'd be and so I might not have a car up at school. Which really sucks. Call me lazy but I don't feel like walking uphill every day to work then walking home in the dark every evening. Maybe I'm being bitter but I wish we'd have thought this decision through before we got rid of my car. I would have been willing to pay out of my own pocket to fix dear Rapscallion and between Zach's skills and his amazing hook-ups, I probably could have bought and installed a new tranny for under $1000. Ugh...I really hope this works out. I'm sure it will.

Lack of employment at OSP=lack of social life. Basically I hang out with Travis. Which I love, he's my best friend. But it kinda sucks that everyone forgets I'm here haha. Maybe I should take charge and organize more outings...but I really hate being in charge of things, and I've been the "social instigator" if you will in nearly all of my groups of friends since 2003. Maybe that's just what I'm destined for and I should buck up and be happy about it. Please don't let this make you feel guilty or anything, that's not what I'm going for. (Side note: Travis really is amazing. I appreciate that he's not afraid to show that he cares for me and he always wants to hang out, even though I haven't been especially exciting. He's helped (and is still helping) me get out of a lot of rough spots and is firm and straight up with me when no one else is. That's what I need I think. I can't even say how grateful I am for him. I hope all you OSP people appreciate him, because I sure do. :] )

I can't be friends with Zach anymore. At least for a couple months. Many reasons, the main one being that we're both holding each other back. And I'm having a hard time working up the courage/motivation, heck even the desire to end it. He's kinda one of the only people I feel like I can really talk to anymore so that makes it way hard. (To clear up any confusion, he is still in Provo.)

I haven't been getting along with my parents too well. Especially my dad. Which really irritates me, but it makes me more sad than anything. I thought that once you went away to college you like automatically stopped fighting with your parents. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I just don't know.

Well, maybe I shouldn't have posted at all. I feel/sound like such a downer and complainer. That's not what I was going for. Should I push the "publish post" button? I have this weird complex if I type any sort of "venting" post, it doesn't really get off my chest until it's published. Not that I want people reading it. I don't want sympathy or judgments or anything. I don't know maybe it's just the knowledge that my feelings are "out there"...so I guess I'll publish it.

Really, please don't think I'm depressed. I'm not. My parents have already asked if I want to see a counselor. Hah...And I hope I don't sound like a brat. I really am trying to act like I'm 21. I guess this summer has just kind of been a bummer. And I'm sure I could do something to fix it, I just need to figure out what. And also, despite my fights with my parents, I still think they are amazing and I really love them. It's just hard right now for whatever reason.

The end.

So This Is My Posse

Lacey D. Stradling

Felicia A. Bainbridge

Jenny A. Mobley

Allen J. Williams

Christopher S. Tellington

Steven J. Meyer

Cody A. Winters

David B. Weston

Shea Metcalf

Joshua J. Malmgren

Douglas Johnson

I just thought I'd introduce you all. They are all so great and I looove them!

Here's some other fun pictures for your enjoyment from the past few weeks.

Doug catching a butterfly.

Awww Lacey and me.

Allen's priceless/normal face.

Yes.

Jenny and I pretending to be bricks.

Oh Felly, I love her face. After feeding the ducks.

Felicia is obsessed with matching people and was thrilled when she and Allen were both purple...

Me and Felicia's engagement picture.

Steve and Dave's engagement picture.

Chris and Dave playing Ninja.

Cody and Lacey. Presh.

Me and Jenny freezing our butts off in a one-man tent.

Josh about to hug (yes, HUG) the deer that chilled with us for like 45 min while we were camping.

Lacey, me, and Allen in the back of Cody's truck. Goin up the canyon.

These people have made life so fun.

Music

So I think I've gotten a little weird. Weirder.

In short: Zach and I had a huge falling out. Basically he got so so mad over something that wasn't even a big deal. And told me to stay out of his life, among other things. That was Monday night. It. Has. Been. So. Hard. I love that kid and that won't change. And amazingly, I'm not mad at him at all. Just sad. I've learned a lot about Christ through this experience.

Anyways. So even though we decided not to date and we labeled ourselves "friends," in all honesty, we were pretty much dating. In a weird sort of way. So you know, breaking up sucks.

When I'd go through sad times, I used to listen to music all the time. The music that expressed exactly what I was feeling. It was really theraputic. But this time around I'm afraid to. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like, I've got these two songs that basically perfectly describe how I'm feeling, but I'm afraid to listen to them. That's partially because Zach and I used to listen to them together. I think I'm just scared because music tends to make my emotions more raw, and this is already enough pain thank you. And it's like, I don't really need the emotions and feelings I'm trying to tone down shouted in my ears.

But at the same time I have this driving NEED to hear the songs. So I'm listening to them, and it hurts so bad!!! But it feels so good. Gosh I miss Zach. I'm losing my mind.


And now it's not the same with you away,
Just holding onto hope to save my days.
I won't survive
So just stay with me tonight.
But if you fall back into my life
I promise you I would never let another day just pass us by.
"Fall Back Into My Life" -Amber Pacific

To everything in life that has an end
I hope you've made the best of your time with
The ones who matter most, the ones who cared...
It's all for you, all I've done I'd do again...
In time you'd make me see that you were there for me.
I'd give my best for you. I'd give my life for you.
"Dear ___, This Has Always Been About Standing Up For What You Believe In" -Amber Pacific

And a third song...

I don't blame you at all
For love gone wrong...
I'm trying to replace
Memories I can't erase
I'm making the most of time I spend with you.
"Learning to Forget" -Antifreeze


These sound a little emo, I know. I promise I'm okay. And I'm not writing this as a pity post. I've just gotta get it out you know? Haha. And I guess some of the lyrics don't totally line up. Like I know we had to go our separate ways so I'm not waiting for him to "fall back into my life," just wishing that he could. And then that whole "In time you'd make me see that you were there for me" part...yeah maybe Zach is saying that to me instead. Because I was always there for him. Haha didn't mean that to sound pompous or bratty. And the last song, oh man the memories are a killer, because they're so good haha. I miss him...this too shall pass...

I feel like a creeper but this is Zach. It's the only picture I have of him.

The Alchemist

I highly, highly recommend this book.

My favorite quote from the whole book:

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."

This has more significance to me than I can explain.

Second favorite:

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.'"

Thank you Jon Reyes for recommending and lending it to me.

What's New

So I realize it has been a long-elephant-trunk time since I've posted. It's always at work that I end up posting so I never have pictures. Otherwise I'm rarely on the computer, it's kind of nice.

I think there are several things I need to update on. Here we gooooo:

1. Moving. I moved from building 4 to building 2, same apartment complex. May I just say that building 2 is so much better. The ward is way fun...I have so many friends in the ward. I've made more friends in this ward in 3 weeks than I did in my old ward over the whole semester. I also love my roommates a lot. They are Lacey's old roommies (she moved out). Basically it's pretty wonderful and I'm rarely bored.

2. Work. I got trained on what's called "counselor support." I still answer phones but what that means is now I only talk to counselors. So instead of getting 50 calls in 4 hours, I get between 5 and 10 calls in 4 hours. I'm not complaining.

3. Summer classes. I'm taking them. Sociology and persuasive writing...woo.

4. Zach. Long story short: We hung out, we swung on swings, we walked around a park, we kissed. Might I add it's the same park where both Lacey and Katherine were kissed. ;] We started hanging out a lot more. I really liked him. We talked about relationships and decided that due to things he's going through right now, we wouldn't date each other. I've been fine with that and have learned to see him only as a friend. He has become one of my best friends. He's a really cool guy and we hang out basically every day. That might end soon. I really hope it doesn't...

So basically that's where my life is at right now. Classes end I think June 17th and I'll probably be home that weekend. I'm excited to see all my AZ buddies :] ....

Pictureless Yet Again

Sorry homies, I'm at work again so I don't have access to any pictures (except on Facebook, which I am not allowed to access :[ ). So you will have to suffer through yet another black-and-white reading.

So home was AMAZING. So amazing. I have the greatest pictures but I think most of you have seen them on Facebook. I can't believe Jorge LEAVES in 9 days!!! My little Forehead going on a mission! I'm so so sad but so so happy. During his farewell talk I just kept crying. It was amazing. I can't believe Jorge, he's so incredible!!! I just love his testimony, it's so simple and pure and powerful. And man I think part of my crying was the fact that he was crying. And Sister Birch. And an old lady in the front. And Jorge's mom. Big surly Travis even almost cried. It was great. And as sad as I am I won't be able to really talk to him for the next 2 years, I received such a powerful impression while he was speaking that this is obviously the right thing for him to be doing, that there is nothing else more important or better for him at this time in his life. He is going to be an amazing missionary, I can't wait!!!

This past weekend was fabulous. My roommate Katherine had a friend from home who goes to BYU-I come down to visit with her roommate. Their names are Sara and Jane and let me just say they are some of the funnest girls ever!! We're trying to convince them to transfer down here...and I think Jane's gonna do it. Saturday was the Festival of Colors at the Krishna Temple in Spanish Fork. It's for an Indian holiday. It was a BLAST as usual. See Facebook for pics, or maybe I'll post some on here soonishly. Later that evening me, Katherine, Jane, Lacey, and her/our friends Felicia, Cody, and Allen went up the canyon and had a bonfire. Quite marvelous. Pictures of this on Book of Face as well.

So Saturday did not conclude the fabulous weekend. Sunday was great. Sara and Jane were driving back up to Idaho at 11, so Katherine and I skipped our church (which is at 10) to stay with them. We then went to Lacey's ward at 1. It was their Fast Sunday so we got to hear the testimony meeting. It was sooo good. So many things were said that I needed to hear. It was perfect, I guess I don't really know how else to describe it. Things were said like choosing happiness now, not waiting to be happy but finding happiness every day. Relying on God through hard times. Dealing with homesickness. It was just amazing.

After church my home teachers came over. Actually one home teacher came and he brought his roommate with him because his companion just left on a mission. My home teacher's name is Brett and his roommie's name is Zach. One of the very first things Zach said when he walked into our apartment was: "You guys don't have a TV!? I'm going to find you one. No really, I am going to find you one." So random but super nice??? It totally caught me off guard. The lesson was about praying to be an instrument in God's hands to help people join/come back to the church. Brett asked me to think of a specific person and I did so. I'm not going to give up hope on this person, as stubborn as he is haha.

At the end of the lesson, they asked the typical, "Is there anything we can do for you?" And I said, "Yes actually....do either of you know anything about cars?" My car is basically dying. My roommate Mikelle said it sounded like the transmission but Jonny said he didn't think it was. Anyways, it turned out that Zach knows a lot about cars. I told him what was wrong and he said he'd help me. I said, "Oh my gosh..thank you so much, I have completely been stressing out about this the last 2 months!!" And I was just freaking out haha. And this also caught me completely off guard--he just looked at me and said, "Hey, don't stress out. It'll be okay, it's just a car. I'll help you." It totally calmed me down. What in the world!?!? Who is this boy!?!?

We had an Easter devotional last night so he said he'd come over a bit before then. As Katherine and I lay so comfortably and 6-year-old-ishly on my mattress watching The Little Mermaid, my phone rang. It was a 480 number...somewhere from home. I answered it and it was Zach. !?!? He's from Gilbert it turns out. So....weird. So I go out to meet him in the parking lot. He's still in his Sunday clothes and starts looking under my hood. I held his tie and sunglasses for him (PS--he smells soooo good. I might have sneakily smelled his tie in fact). Then he decided maybe a white shirt and engine grease shouldn't mix, so he ran back to his apartment to change and get something for my car. When he got back he was like crawling all over the ground under my car, still in his Sunday pants. I couldn't believe how nice he was being...I kept apologizing and saying I felt bad about him getting dirty but he just kept saying, "Girl, don't worry about it. It's totally fine." (By the way, super cute how he always would call me "Girl." He also says my name a lot, which I like as well. :] )

So after he looked under the hood for a bit he said he wanted to ride in it to see if he could get a better feel for the problem. So we drove around for a bit. Unfortunately Mikelle was right, my transmission's going. Apparently first gear is totally shot. And when the transmission completely goes, my car will basically be totaled. So many memories in my car!! The road trips with friends and the Sonic-eating with Travis and the rocking game and so much more... Ahh sometimes I wish I wasn't so sentimental....ugh. But he told me a few things I can do to prolong its life.

Anyways while we were driving, he asked who I was going to the devotional with. I told him I was going with Katherine and asked who he was going with. He said no one, then asked if I wanted to go together. !!! Of course I said yes. So we went to the fireside together (which was so so good by the way, there was tons of music). After the fireside he invited Katherine and I back to his apartment for a bit, and then we all went over to Lacey's and played the game Curses. It was a lot of fun.

On the way to the fireside, I told him I made him cookies for helping me with my car. It turns out he's on a no-fast food/soda/dessert diet. Boo. But he said, "You know what you can do instead? You could make me a delicious, low-fat dinner." Soo...is that basically a date?? Oh man. The latch on my hood is missing a bolt so when you shut it, you have to literally slam it for it to close. He told me he was going to find a bolt and put it in for me. He was also looking for the transmission fluid because he has some stuff to put in it, but he couldn't find where it was under the hood. So he told me tonight after he gets off work at midnight (he makes synthetic diamonds for a drilling company..!?) he'll look up my car model and figure out where the transmission fluid is in the engine and come back and put that in for me.

So basically I am, as my dad would say, twitterpated. I just hope he's not one of those boys who's super nice to everyone and doesn't realize girls thinks he likes them. That is my story.

Sherwood tomorrow night!!!

Why I Like My New Job

Sorry this post will have no pictures--I'm at work so don't have access to any of them. :]

So as I mentioned before, I got a job at BYU Independent Study. Basically I answer phones. And it's super chill.

Here's why I love my job:

-It's really relaxed. In between calls you can do basically whatever you want as long as it's not Facebook or online shopping. Hence my blog-updatingness. Also, I read a lot of Harry Potter. Aahh.

-The people I work with are super nice and don't mind that I ask a million questions. Also my cousin Matthew works here.

-We have "teams." And I'm on the best team--Team Bangarang. Team Bangarang in and of itself is something too long for one bullet so I'll write more in a minute.

-I get to practice my Spanish. Hardly anyone here speaks Spanish so whenever we get a Spanish call, it often gets transferred to me. I just got done with one in fact. :]

-It's 20 hours a week but since it's not a hugely demanding job, it's perfect for my schedule, and I get most of my homework done during work.

-You sit wherever there's an open computer, so you sit by a lot of different people. Great way to get to know people.

-I have an extension!! Like on the telephone! How cool is that? In case you all want to know it's 41888. I feel important.



Alright so here's why Team Bangarang is great.

-No other team (as far as I know) has actually named their team. Furthermore, our team has a blog. That is right. teambangarang.blogspot.com

-Back in the high school age of myspace, my display name was (and I think still is...haha) Bangarang.

-The term "bangarang" comes from the Lost Boys in the movie Hook. Hook is in my top 5 favorite movies, and I've always wanted to be a Lost Boy. I'm completely serious!!

-Our team mascot is Darth Vader. FYI I have a Star Wars poster hanging in my room. Also when you go to our blog, the Imperial March plays.

-Every Friday we have team meetings in which our team leaders are supposed to go over policies with us. Hah. Here's what we've done for our team meetings since I've worked here:
1. Had a pinata. Proceeded to get the head of the pinata stuck in the rafters.
2. Went to the creamery to get ice cream.
3. Took "awkward family photos" which can be seen on the team blog.
4. Had a Mexican fiesta. Basically we just ate tons of Mexican food.
5. This week we celebrated my and Hollie's birthdays by having cake and ice cream and taking that personality color test.


So basically, if you overlook the every now and then super-rude-crabby-shouty calls you get (nothing any worse than what you get at OSP), Independent Study is a great place to work.

Nothing will ever take the place of OSP in my heart though.

I will be home Thursday March 18-Sunday March 21 (for Jorge's farewell, which is super bittersweet) and I can BARELY CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT!!!!! I dreamed about it last night.

Later.