As Inspired by Lacey

So the other day Lacey and I were chatting. She is having a rough time with a certain person of the male gender. I notice that things she talks about parallel my relationship with a certain friend of mine who will remain nameless lest he/she should read this. Not that it's bad in any sense. Some of you may figure out to whom I am referring. And if that happens, please don't mention names. And please don't ask because I won't say. :]

Lacey sent me this quote from a book called "Ender's Game" (which I have yet to read) that to her sums up the relationship she has with this boy. And upon reading it I have discovered how exactly it describes my relationship with the person I am thinking of.

"I think it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves."

To many, my friend at times seems conceited or annoying. He (so I don't have to keep saying "they" or "he/she") is sometimes really sarcastic and biting, even condescending. But as I've gotten to know this person, I know that these actions are not intentional. It's simply in his nature and often he doesn't know that he is doing it. I have spent countless hours with this friend and I truly do love him. Sometimes people talk about how rude he can come across, and it hurts me to hear it. I see what other people are saying but to me, he is a completely different person. Around me he is someone that few others see. I don't know why this is. And when I try to explain it, nobody understands because they just don't know him the way I do. But because I've had this experience, I have learned to love him as he loves himself and for this I can never truly be mad at him or fall into the line of thinking others may have. To me he is amazing and he has grown to be one of the best friends I have had in my entire life.

It's probably really obvious who this person is, so to this person: if you ever read this, I love you and I hope you know that I think highly of you. And that will never change.

Life is so bittersweet. It is so confusing. It is so demanding. Isn't it weird how "life" itself is not a tangible thing but it has so much control? It forces itself upon us whether we want it or not. And to those who are willing to learn, it teaches the most valuable lessons we can ever learn. Right now it is teaching me patience. Or maybe a more accurate description is that it is trying to teach me patience. I don't know how well I am learning it. At this point in time, I am in the midst of so many twists and turns. I am fine with the majority of possible outcomes, but I want to know RIGHT NOW what will happen. This is where I'm being forced to learn patience. And I am sure that the Lord has His reasons as to why I can't know these things RIGHT NOW.

About my last post. I am sorry for being/sounding so bitter. It was wrong of me and though I have supposed "excuses" I will not use any of them because really, they don't matter. I have talked to several people in person who told me I was not wrong feeling these emotions and in fact a few of them were more upset than I was. (By the way thanks to everyone who commented. :] ) But why have I decided I was wrong?

Today was a really good day. I've been slacking on my scripture study this week and so church and the fireside I went to tonight were literally a spiritual feast. You know that great feeling you get when you are parched and you finally drink a big glass of cold water, or how you feel when you eat dinner on Fast Sunday? That's how my spirit felt today. Sometimes I feel sorry for my spirit because I don't take as much care of it as I need to. Does that sound weird? I have improving to do.

Anyways. This all does relate to why I have decided I was wrong feeling bitter and deciding I would still be there if they needed me but wasn't going to actively pursue anything. The fireside tonight was the last fireside my stake presidency will ever give. They are being released this next stake conference, which is November 8th. They have been absolutely amazing. Anyway, it was a youth fireside but my relief society president was asked to sing a musical number and I accompanied her on the piano. And I'm glad I went.

The fireside was on the destroying effects of pornography and sexual impurity. I think this issue is more prevelant than we realize. This was the very, very last thing my stake presidency chose to speak about. Of course it's important. I can guarantee you that people you know struggle with this. People who you think lead completely righteous lives. I know this because there have been people close to me in my life who have struggled with these things but nobody knew better. On the outside they looked fine. On the inside they were dying.

I think the Lord has blessed me with compassion, and for this I am grateful. I do my fair share of judging, which I know isn't good. But when it comes to people's sins, I see that it is not my place to jump to conclusions. When I hear people say things like, "Can you believe that so-and-so did this? That is so wrong, what were they thinking?" I can only think, "How dare you judge them like that?" (which thought in and of itself I suppose is a form of judging..oops.) There is no way we should be judging people. We do not know their circumstances. Granted, no circumstances justify committing sin, but there are things that weaken you and sometimes you lose control over these things. I feel so grateful that I have had numerous friends confide in me because they knew I wouldn't judge them for what they've done. I'm not trying to sound conceited at all, if it comes across that way that is not how I mean it.

As our stake president was talking about the ball and chain that comes with pornography and other immorality, he read a letter from the son of a friend of his who had landed himself in prison as a result of a wandering life. At age 8, he learned from one of his babysitters that you can "hide" sin. At age 10, he started viewing pornography. At age 12, he was molested. Throughout his teen years he never had close girl friends because he sexualized everything and they saw this. He was ordained to the priesthood and participated in it unworthily as he lied through all of his interviews. He served a mission, still addicted to pornography. He said it was the worst 20 months of his life (he left early due to surgery). He came home and within 6 months I believe lost his chastity. His addiction was growing and he decided he needed to get married so he could have sex without breaking the law of God. So he was sealed in the temple, still addicted to porn. Things got worse and worse for him, one thing lead to another, and he ended up molesting his 13-year-old niece. His wife divorced him and he completely lost any custody and visitation rights he had to his daughters. He will probably never see them again. Needless to say he was ex-communicated. However, he is turning his life around. He recognizes the immense horrificness of what he did, and he fully understands that he deserves everything that has resulted.

Sorry, if you're still reading this you're probably wondering how this relates to the bitterness of my last post. So here it is: As I listened to the story of this man, I couldn't help but wonder how much his life would have changed if one person had reached out to him? Now I don't know that this never happened. But is it really possible for something of this magnitude to happen if the person has someone who they know truly cares about them, who will not judge them for their wrongs but rather will help them do what they need to to turn away?

And this is where I made the connection: How can I be so selfish as to put my own happiness above others'? Yeah, it's true that some people have taken advantage of my friendship and hurt me pretty badly. But it is absolutely not my place to refuse my love and help. The Savior died for me. He died for me knowing perfectly well how imperfect I am and how often I will disappoint Him. He died for me knowing that I am selfish. He died for me knowing that I will never in this life be able to love Him as much as He loves me (although I do want to!!). Knowing all of this, He literally made the ultimate sacrifice any man or woman can make--giving up their own life.

So if the Savior did this for me, even though I forget about Him sometimes or I don't stand as His witness as I should, how dare I even consider putting myself above others who hurt me in ways that don't come near comparing to how the Savior was hurt by others, by me? The way I see it now is this: I was put on this earth to love and to serve and to grow. And I cannot do this unless I continually forgive and forget. I cannot do this if I get "tired" of people walking on me and then decide I've had enough. The Savior taught that we are to "turn the other cheek." So I am going to try to put myself out there, literally as an instrument in the Lord's hands. I want to do His will. I want to be a person whose friendship and reliability is never questioned. And if that means being there for people who aren't always there for me, then so be it. I have no room to complain if I am trying to be like my Savior, who was "despised and rejected of men." (Isaiah 53:3-5) I don't think anyone despises me. So why am I complaining? I need to live my life not for myself but for the bettering of other people's lives. I need to live my life for my Savior.

This post definitely took a completely different direction than I thought it would and I apologize for its lengthiness. Anyways. Now I feel kind of weird and maybe too out there and open so I'm going to post this before I change my mind. Haha.

This and That

Is it wrong of me to be annoyed with almost everyone in my life? I guess not almost everyone, just a lot of "the usuals" in my life. And no, I am not annoyed with anyone who reads this. At least who I know reads this. I am annoyed with a few people who I never thought I would ever be annoyed with. There are people who I am beginning to care about less because they don't give me the time of day when I would readily drop anything for them. Is that rude or conceited or bad of me? I don't know. I feel bad about it. It's just hard to care when people don't care back. And it makes me angry. It hurts me a lot. Should I just deal with it/try to fix it? Or move on? It's so hard to move on from people who used to mean the world to me. A lot of things have happened recently that have made the day I move to Provo seem too far away (PS I am officially accepted and going to BYU in January. OSP kids--please don't mention it to management yet...I think that would hurt my chances of getting any potential raises which they never give out haha). I am so sad yet excited to move. But these things that have been happening just shout to me that I need something new. I will miss a lot of things/people so much though. Especially my family. I need to spend more time with them. Any feedback on this paragraph is welcomed...haha.

Anamin, Brianna and I just got back from visiting Jordan in Flagstaff today. It was a great weekend. We ate, shopped downtown, watched a movie, slept, went on walks, and went to the lava caves. It was fun to just chill with the girls (plus Edwin for one night). :] And my car did not explode. Check out my Facebook for pictures.

And about the boy I mentioned in one of my previous posts. I only like him as a friend. I think the original new-cute-boy-potential-of-something-happening situation had me giddy. He's super cool though. A great friend. We'll see where it goes. I should set my blog to private. Haha.

Well I am super tired. The weekend was crazy and awesome but very tiring. And there is something exhausting about sitting for 4 hours. Driving. How does that work? I don't know but the trip home wore me out. So I'm going to bed. :]

Blind Lead the Blind by DRATRB

PS I also have a few of their other songs on my playlist.

Please Allow Me to Release My Emotions.

So I have this friend Randy. And there's this band I am in love with called Dusty Rhodes and The River Band.

Randy and I have this thing where we constantly discuss and exchange music. So I introduced him to Dusty Rhodes and he fell head-over-heels for them. I saw them last December in concert and they were absolutely amazing.

So Dusty Rhodes was coming to The Clubhouse this Wednesday. Randy and I were going. Can I just tell you this is literally the most excited I have been in like 3 months?? And it's all he could talk about too!!!

Well I went on Dusty Rhode's Facebook page a few minutes ago to post a comment about my excitement to see them. And here is what I saw:

"Santa Fe and Tempe shows CANCELLED!! We are so sorry for the miscommunication."

And so now this is also the most depressed I've been in like 3 months. I know I sound ridiculous and those of you who actually read my blog probably don't really care and this is fine. But I am so sad!! I literally almost cried when Randy called me after I texted him and told him it was cancelled haha. We have decided to drown our sorrows by watching The Office and eating mac&cheese.

I was so excited for Dusty Rhodes! This band is epic. Like when they perform, their music is inside your lungs and engulfs your whole being. I can't even describe it. Like it's a real physical sensation and you just want to melt away and become part of the music with them.

Okay I sound insane.

So here's to Dusty Rhodes and The River Band, who broke my heart tonight.

So Here's The Truth...

Life has been great!

Wait isn't that kind of how I started my last post? Haha. I guess this is just a good part of my life.

So there's this boy.

And school's been going well. Can I please just say that having a good attitude about school and not complaining about it whether you may or may not hate it really does make it so much EASIER?

I've made a new buddy named Alex. He's in a wheelchair and when I see him I push him to class. He's so cool!

I've lost a few pounds.

I got my split ends cut off.

I have discovered that I have an amazing ability to bs my way through 4-page essays in under an hour and get a good grade. Well actually I already knew that, but I have discovered that this skill has improved. So that's really helpful. :]

Conference is this weekend!

And music!! Here are some of my current interests:

Sunset Shoot--Here With You

The Format--Sore Thumb, Tie the Rope

Fun.--Be Calm, The Gambler, Walking the Dog

The Rocket Summer--All I Have, Brat Pack

One Hot Minute--My Kinda Town

The Jakes--Cough Syrup

Forever the Sickest Kids--The Way She Moves, Uh Huh, Phone Call

Just in case you were interested. And the list goes on.

Hope life is great for all of you as well!

I Would Like Everyone to Know

that life is grand!!!

My application to BYU is almost finished (and due October 1st haha). I just have to pay the application fee and meet with my stake president. I am excited to go back (as long as I get accepted). I'm still super sad about leaving Travis, Jorge, Celesta, and all my other OSP buddies...but life will go on...I just have to keep reminding myself that both Travis and Jorge will be gone soon and at the rate boys fall for Celesta, she'll probably be married soon. Haha.

I went in to see my bishop on Tuesday night to talk about some stuff and get my ecclesiastical endorsement. A few months ago I was called as the ward choir pianist and as one of the ward pianists (meaning I take turns in the organ-playing rotation..did I already post about this). Anyways I still haven't been set apart which is my fault because I was supposed to go in and they'd do it but I kept forgetting or it'd be really crowded by the bishop's office and I'd plan on doing it the next week. Anyways. I mentioned that to him and he was like, "Oh! Well I'll get Brother Gardner to come over and we'll do it right now!" Bro. Gardner is one of the counselors and he was in the next room over. So they did it. At the end of the blessing, the bishop paused and then he blessed me about work and money and being able to afford school. Which is such a testimony builder!! Because I've been stressing about that and did not mention it to him at all.

Anyways, so my dad has this friend at work who has a daughter about my age and she works with special needs kids and makes $9/hour and the scheduling is pretty flexible. Also, Lauri Hickman told me that Karen Gibson has this job where you start at like $11.50 and they're hiring like crazy right now. The only thing is they do drug testing (I'm clean I promise!) and I've heard that it costs businesses around $1,000 for each employee. So I doubt they would want to hire me if I'll be leaving in January. Anyways, after the blessing, what am I supposed to do? Does it mean I should look for a different job that pays better? Or does it mean that soon I'll be able to get a lot of hours at OSP (because of winter of course) or a raise or something? I don't know. I need to think/pray about all of it. I just thought it was neat that this was in my blessing.

Here's something totally random: A lot of times when I'm bored or stressed, I bite my nails. Bad habit, I know. Well lately I've discovered that as I sit and work on homework, I automatically start pulling mascara off of my eyelashes. Weird??? Yes. Also annoying.

The other night Travis and I went over to Celesta's. Apparently Celesta's and my girl-talk was boring Travis because he fell asleep. I really want to put this picture on Facebook for all of the world to see but I know I would be dead within 10 minutes of him seeing it haha. So I will post it here, where he rarely looks:

Funny, huh?

Titleless.

September 11 is an important day to me for two reasons.

1: 2001. The Twin Towers. It just seems unreal that so many people died that day, and for no good reason either. It is so sad. But I love the sense of patriotism that it left us with. It's sad that that's what it had to take though. And that a lot of it's gone now. I really admire police officers and fire fighters (and people in the military for that matter) who put their personal lives/safety/happiness aside to keep us safe. We can't thank them enough.

2: It is my daddy's birthday. I love my dad! Today we celebrated as follows: He took the day off work. Took a nap. Went to see GI Joes in the movie theather (by himself...? haha). Then as a family we went to Joe's Real BBQ for dinner (so good) and Nielsen's for dessert. Afterwards we came home and opened presents and watched season 5 of The Office! Wonderful!

So I've been really emotional the past 2 weeks or so, and it is so annoying. I keep getting mad or sad over nothing. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just wish it would stop! The weekends are the worst. And as contradictory as this sounds to what I always say, I almost wish I had school on Fridays (I go Mon-Thurs). Today I just wasted my day away and was really upset about a few things. It's like if I'm not in an organized environment doing productive (and usually required) things, I fall into thinking way to hard about things that put me in a blah mood. Just not a good way to spend my day!

And while I'm talking about upsetting things, I am done being walked all over!! I don't mean to complain or make people feel sorry for me at all, I just want to get this out there because I think this is part of the reason I've been so weird the past bit. But I am tired of going out of my way for my friends any time any day and having very few of them ever do the same for me. It just sucks. I know people do care about me, it just seems like everything I do for other people doesn't matter. And when I try not to care about people (not like completely quit caring, more like not care if I can't make them happy all the time) I just feel guilty. What is my deal??

Anyways...I guess I need to update about what I've been doing the past little bit. And I'd like to say that I will but in all honesty I probably won't. Haha. I have a lot of decisions I have to make that are stressing me out (well not a lot..a few though) so I'm looking forward to getting those out of the way hopefully soon...? I just need a change!

Sorry this post was so completely random and negative. Hopefully the next one will be more enjoyable and entertaining.