Summer is lame

when I have nothing to do.

I just feel sooo pointless! And discouraged! I've been doing a massive cleaning and reorganization of my room. And now I'm just stuck. I'm trying to get rid of a bunch of stuff but it's just not working. Then I get discouraged and have no clue what to do so my room is like stuck in a state of stupid. And when I try to put things away, it doesn't happen! Because nothing has a spot! Because my room has been so messy/cluttered for so long. Everything just belongs stacked in piles on the floor or on shelves. Nothing goes anywhere. So I don't know how to organize. I'm afraid for my future house, I fear I will suck as a wife and do a terrible job keeping the house clean. Then I'll be embarrassed and angry with myself.

I feel like I always do things...I start things...but then I never finish them. I don't accomplish anything!! I was doing a second job search and guess what haven't finished it. Like I mentioned, started reorganizing my room...2 weeks ago...and still haven't finished. And don't want to. I took forever deciding what I wanted to major in then finally chose elementary education. So I spent this last year working towards that. Surprise surprise I DON'T want to be a teacher anymore!!! When I think about having my own classroom and my own class of children and my own piles and piles of paperwork and angry parents and slap-happiness every day (not to mention all of the recertification and workshops etc that I'll have to do), I feel like dying inside. Which is not how I should feel about what I'm CHOOSING to study, right? And this presents a new problem: I am back to square one!!! I have absolutely NO clue what I want to major in. Let alone what I want to do with my life.

I don't know, I don't mean to sound like such a downer but I've just felt really disheartened lately. And I'm sure I bring it all on myself I just don't know how to fix it all. Gaahh....

On a happier (?) note, I was talking to my mom about all of this last night. Especially about the whole school thing and that I just have no clue what I want to study or what kind of job I'd like to have. And she was trying to help me think of things...she asked what I'd want to do the rest of my life if I never got married (ahh death). And I thought for a few minutes...what do I like doing that I wouldn't mind doing forever if I end up needing to support myself for the rest of my life? And then I realized, I'd want to travel around to all different countries helping people. Hmm. So what kind of major does that lead me to?? No clue...But my mom suggested joining the Red Cross. And I actually got excited about that!! BUT! Then I looked on their website and they have no job openings...ahh dead end again. At least for now. But I think I'd really like that....it's just too bad it doesn't look like it will work out any time soon. I need to find something else like that.

I kind of want to just take a semester off school and work full time to save up money. But at the same time I worry I'd lose motivation to go back to school. I want to get a bachelor's degree but it seems so far away since I don't know what to study!! Haha.

Completely different topic: my HAIR!?!?!?!?

I've decided I'm not a fan of it too much when it's down and just straight. Also not a fan of all the weight and insulation it adds to my head/neck/back during this warm summer. However, I love having long hair. So here's the poll: or is it pole?: Should I cut it or leave it???

Anyways sorry for this lame post. Laterrr